Don’t say I never warned you.

Dear men,

Here is a short list of what to NEVER, EVER say to a woman. Or me.

Don’t say I never warned you!

  1. Is it that time of the month?           Excuse me??? Breathe Kimberley, Breath!
  2. You are still hungry?                      No, I full after eating my 3 FRIEKEN peanuts!
  3. You are not fat, you are broad.       Broad? Ha I will show you broad.
  4. Just calm down.                            I AM CALM!
  5. You are completely overreacting.    Don’t tell me I am overreacting. I am just FINE!
  6. It’s up to you.                               For once can you just be less indecisive? I don’t feel like thinking today.
  7. Woman don’t know how to drive.    Yes, because you driving 140km/p/h is completely safe.Any racist comments
  8. You are pretty strong for a girl.      I will not tolerate – ever!
  9. Johnny Drama back to visit?          He never left!
  10. Saying nothing at all.                    Unless you want me to go full pshyco!

 

You can thank me later

xoxo

Hash Tag

Social media has become an entity that has consumed us all #instadaily #likeforlike #OMG #hashtag

 

Whilst listening to my commercial garbage playing on the speaker and sitting on my couch with my #duckface – I write to all you digital slappers!

 

Did you know that you can Google “ how to get more followers” I mean SERIOUSLY??? Is that not literally begging for stalkers that you don’t even know? Ha! #YOLO – Or is this the end-goal in life nowadays? Mines bigger than yours (on social media of course)! Friends, I have more than 3000 people following me on Instagram. Isn’t that #Instacool? They like totally love me. #Winning #Onfleek

 

I keep getting distracted with the point of this post to you all, wait, I’ll BRB – Let me quickly take a #Selfie! Ah, but that camera though! Just love the filters; I can totally hide behind my freckles and spots. #blessed #nomakeupselfie #Iwokeuplikethis

 

Good people, am I at least starting to sound completely pathetic AF? If no then I guess you can cash me outside. If yes, then I’ll stop it. I’ll just stop it right here because bae don’t like when I talk like this.

 

ENOUGH – I am an educated human being and I vow to show my intelligence whilst posting anything on the Internet. I will no longer be lured into the world of the uneducated and write as though I do not come from this universe. I vow to never use Acronyms or Social Media slang. It is pretentious and shows insecurities.

 

Kthanxbye

 

Okay, that was the last one – I had to. #guilty

 

xoxo

Proud mommy for the win.

The busy excuse would have been the total truth when it came to teaching Kristen how to ride her new bike minus the training wheels. I have put it off for 8 days now and considering we moved house two weeks ago and I have a full-time job and just finished with her party planning as well as the actual party I could have totally owned the excuse. 

But, I put my big girl panties on this afternoon and decided to bite the bullet. Now, you see, most parents are totally capable of teaching their kids to ride. I guess you could even call it fun. However, with me, unfortunately, this is one of those tasks that involve patience and a whole lot of it. This particular character trait, I lack in a way like no other. 

The feeling that I have right now while I type this, is pride. She did it,  and she did it properly.  Even without my help towards the end. I didn’t need patience, I just needed the “desire” to do this with her and that was more than enough – and I really did want to be the one to teach her to ride her bike for the first time. 

Call it silly or whatever, but maybe there is hope, maybe I can learn this skill they call patience – let’s pray I do. For my sake and everyone else’s. 

Penny Water

I haven’t written in a while and truthfully there should be no excuse for it. 

On average it takes 15 minutes to write an article and even though my life seems to be upside down and totally crazy, 15 minutes of calm would do a world of good.

I have been bruising very easily lately, my hand barely touches something and I almost instantly turn blue. So, while I was at the doctor yesterday for my usual, I asked him for something to take for my semi-new problem I have been facing. 

I have tried iron tablets and I have a pretty balanced diet but it doesn’t seem to be up to scratch. The Doctor gave me a couple of ‘liquid’ sachets to test and when asked to describe the taste he assured me that it wasn’t terrible but he could imagine that if you licked a penny it would taste something like that. He called it ‘penny water’.

I was beyond horrified by the taste that I felt compelled to email him my thoughts. My review of his “penny water” is below:

“ Thanks, Doctor. 

Just by the way –  your ‘penny water’ was undoubtedly one of the vilest substances I have ever attempted swallowing.  You are absolutely welcome to take your free samples back as they will just go to waste in my possession. And, when presenting your patients with this ‘value add’, I would highly recommend referring to the liquid as a rather vulgar broth that has leaped far past its expiration date and could possibly cause heartbreaking offense to one’s taste buds.  

This way your patients can manage their expectations when testing the product. “

He agreed with me and ensured me that the only reason he was giving me these samples, was to get rid of them, quickly.

Thank you, Doctor, again. 

So, my question to you is, does anybody else suffer from anemia and what can I do to try and prevent these awful marks appearing all over my body at the touch of a feather?

Mourning

When does one have time to mourn the loss of a family member? I mean the general person works Monday through Friday, (at least) has a few kids, furkids and a household to run. How do you take the time out of your schedule to just sit and think and cry?

 

My beloved Granny died on the 7th of September. Jeepers, that is more than two months ago and I have tried so hard not to even think about it. I know what I am doing is wrong, subconsciously. I just don’t know if I have the emotional capacity to deal, to hurt and to mourn. I don’t think I am ready for it at this stage.

 

So my question to you is simple– when is one ready to mourn? and when will I realize that she is never coming back?

 

Then I ask (as I am sure most do), why was she taken in such a devastating way? Why did she get sick? Why do we never get the chance to say goodbye? Just goodbye, that’s all – well, maybe one more hug too. Will these questions ever be answered?

 

Losing a loved one is flipping difficult and I don’t think anyone can say anything that can help or make it feel better. They do however say that time heals everything and when I am ready to be healed, I will let you know if “time” really did help me.

Chained up

Picture a thick chain tightly braided around your entire body. It fills the creases and the gaps and then it stiffens allowing you just one inconsequential breath at a time. You gasp for air but your lungs are only able to hold enough air to give you the next second. It has become about staying alive, by fighting with your entirety, grappling with everything you have left to allow for the next moment. It’s about thinking ahead, but only for three seconds at a time. The cycle continues, breath by breath, second by second. This is how I would describe life.

 

When we are lucky, he allows us the smallest bit of freedom. The chains loosen, ever so slightly for an untold time. In the beginning, when this started happening, this became the highlight of life, causing great excitement. The feeling of almost escaping came with bliss, joy, and relief. But as they say “what goes up must eventually come down”. As I have grown to recognize the pattern, I have dreaded the limp chain. You see I personally prefer the consistency. The unknown frightens the life out of me. My heart literally aches while I wait for the bruises to return from the sudden jerk that the chain tightening results in. With that said, I always know what’s coming.

 

I recently read a quote that stuck out to me. In one sentence, I no longer felt alone. Even if only one person got me, I was no longer by myself. I will finish with the quote and maybe it will be able to resonate with you and you will know that you too are not alone.

 

“ Just because it is all in your head doesn’t make it any less real.”