A Daily Act

She started her day with courage.

A fighting spirit and the will to go on.

But she started losing all hope.

It was getting harder for her to wake.

Even though she wasn’t sleeping.

The rings were getting darker.

And there was physical ache from within.

But she hid it so well, that no one noticed. 

How could they, if she was always wearing a smile?

Always laughing, always giving, helping and caring.

For everyone but herself. Everyone, but no one.

She was scared to ask for directions even though she was lost.

I think she was afraid to reach out to anyone.

What if they didn’t catch her?

What if they left her to fall.

Understandably, she would rather not know.

I guess it would be too real then.

But maybe she was just too proud?

Or ashamed to be seen as weak.

So, she kept quiet and kept lying to the world.

She kept smiling and she kept up that act.

You see, tomorrow will come again, and she will get up.

She will wipe her tears and apply her make up, beautifully.

Selling a part of her soul, just to keep up the facade. 

I fear that her breaking point is coming.

And I am certain that I can already feel it. 

Mourning

When does one have time to mourn the loss of a family member? I mean the general person works Monday through Friday, (at least) has a few kids, furkids and a household to run. How do you take the time out of your schedule to just sit and think and cry?

 

My beloved Granny died on the 7th of September. Jeepers, that is more than two months ago and I have tried so hard not to even think about it. I know what I am doing is wrong, subconsciously. I just don’t know if I have the emotional capacity to deal, to hurt and to mourn. I don’t think I am ready for it at this stage.

 

So my question to you is simple– when is one ready to mourn? and when will I realize that she is never coming back?

 

Then I ask (as I am sure most do), why was she taken in such a devastating way? Why did she get sick? Why do we never get the chance to say goodbye? Just goodbye, that’s all – well, maybe one more hug too. Will these questions ever be answered?

 

Losing a loved one is flipping difficult and I don’t think anyone can say anything that can help or make it feel better. They do however say that time heals everything and when I am ready to be healed, I will let you know if “time” really did help me.

Chained up

Picture a thick chain tightly braided around your entire body. It fills the creases and the gaps and then it stiffens allowing you just one inconsequential breath at a time. You gasp for air but your lungs are only able to hold enough air to give you the next second. It has become about staying alive, by fighting with your entirety, grappling with everything you have left to allow for the next moment. It’s about thinking ahead, but only for three seconds at a time. The cycle continues, breath by breath, second by second. This is how I would describe life.

 

When we are lucky, he allows us the smallest bit of freedom. The chains loosen, ever so slightly for an untold time. In the beginning, when this started happening, this became the highlight of life, causing great excitement. The feeling of almost escaping came with bliss, joy, and relief. But as they say “what goes up must eventually come down”. As I have grown to recognize the pattern, I have dreaded the limp chain. You see I personally prefer the consistency. The unknown frightens the life out of me. My heart literally aches while I wait for the bruises to return from the sudden jerk that the chain tightening results in. With that said, I always know what’s coming.

 

I recently read a quote that stuck out to me. In one sentence, I no longer felt alone. Even if only one person got me, I was no longer by myself. I will finish with the quote and maybe it will be able to resonate with you and you will know that you too are not alone.

 

“ Just because it is all in your head doesn’t make it any less real.”

 

Mom problems

Can somebody please give me an indication of what age we will be comfortable in our own skin?When do the comparisons stop? When does the self-judgment end? Do we ever become totally at peace with who we are and how others see us? 

All the other moms at school seem to have it completely together. As they glide out of their 4×4’s in their tight gym clothing, every morning. Modeling their squeaky clean running shoes and perfectly blow-dried hair. Good God, I barely had time to brush my teeth this morning let alone get ready for the gym before work.

And get this, they have three kids. All of similar age. I have one and I can barely keep it together. Standing with her shoelaces undone and her collar still tucked into her jersey, I sigh. I have asked her to do her laces three times in the last ten minutes. Our morning ritual seems to be on repeat. I barely jump out the car when saying goodbye to her. My makeup is not done yet and I am still in slippers. She would die of embarrassment if she was spotted with me.

These Goddesses seem to gather in packs of three or four with their takeaway coffees and their brand new Aviators. Even from inside my car I notice how sparkly white their teeth are as they stand there laughing at I don’t even know what. Am I being punked here? Did I miss the memo?

I need to rush to get to work on time and here they stand giggling and chatting as though time does not matter. I wish.

Shit, I forgot to sign her homework book again. Complete chaos.

I feel like I am the only one struggling to stay on top of things. If there are any other moms that can relate in any way, it would be awesome to know I am not alone. 

#mominsecurities 

House training – lowlight

Get a puppy they said. It will be fun they said. Well, the joke is on me.

 

Yeah sure it will be fun, until you are the only one cleaning up dog poop, wee and making sure he has clean water. Every hour.

 

Three phone chargers chewed in one week. Did you hear me? ONE WEEK! Ha! Karma. Crap!

 

Of course My Rotti is cute and adorable and of course, I love him to bits and pieces. But I am running out of socks at a rapid pace and cleaning up his business is not the highlight of my week. I have reached the stage where all I can do is laugh when I see this. He doesn’t seem to care about being punished. Great, another stubborn member to add to the family.

 

I kinda get the feeling he does it on purpose. Stand on the grass for twenty minutes, go potty, come on boy. Makes wee. Good Boy!!! Go inside for five minutes, marks his territory somewhere else. It is as though he didn’t let it all out, intentionally, and then he looks at me for approval. No Lex, I am not going to praise you for peeing on the carpet. Again!

 

Let me say one thing, this pup is lucky he has a gorgeous face because it wouldn’t be so easy if he were a rat. At what age do dogs know where to go potty? Rant over.

 

Misophonia

I am completely aware that I am bursting with many disorders but I found out today I have another one. Shock and horror. When I approached Google with my symptoms, she diagnosed me with Misophonia. Gasp!

 

For those of you who don’t know what it means – see below:

 

Misophonia, literally “hatred of sound”, was proposed in 2000 as a condition in which negative emotions, thoughts, and physical reactions are triggered by specific sounds.

 

For example, if I hear you chew. Oh, my good Lord, I am done, finished and out the room. I cannot express the immediate anger my body goes through when hearing someone chew with their mouth open, slurp their tea or continuously sniff. The company or friendship is not worth the cringe.

 

I do not have the emotional capacity to deal with this and I would rather eat alone for the rest of my entire life then deal with this soul-destroying sound for as little as five minutes, Period.

 

Am I the only one out there with Misophonia? Or can you relate?

Nine lives

I can personally vouch for cats having nine lives, unfortunately. Last week my kitten was run over by a car. We are talking about a creature that weighs no more then 3kgs, she is the size of a bag of flour and her paws are no bigger then a R5 coin. Now let that sink in for a minute. Of course she was hurt, six broken bones, internal bleeding, and a shattered pelvis to be exact. But, she’s alive. It is beyond me that she survived, but thanks God. One of the hardest things to watch is an animal in pain, helpless and scared. My little Shakira will be in a cage at home for the next six weeks, until she is healed enough to walk freely again.

I can only hope drivers will be more cautious when behind the wheel. Mistakes can happen so easily.

 

Not-so-sweet potatoe

Am I a total schnorrer or is this small, sweet potatoe at a ridiculous price? R18!! Totally shocked. Only when I had paid for it did I realize the price. You can literally buy a full chicken curry for R5 more. Unacceptable Thrupps Illovo Centre – You guys must be making a killing! Note to self – check the price before walking to the till.

 

 

Parenting

Being a mom is hard, especially in the morning. When your child just won’t get ready for school. It literally takes her fifty minutes to eat her breakfast. Have you brushed your teeth? No. She forgets things as school on a daily basis – no exaggeration. Loses lunch boxes, school socks, and a jersey weekly. The little miss muffet “forgets” to tell me to sign notices as she forgot them in her desk for the last two weeks. Have you made your bed? Not yet. She can’t find one brush but she had six yesterday. Holes in school stockings; well this is the least of my problems at the moment. Have you brushed your teeth? Still no. Where are your library books? I’ll look after school. Aaarg. I could pull my hair out and scream. But then when she gets to school and kisses me goodbye and says bye mom, I love you. I start to melt. She then walks away with a big smile on that precious face and a bag on her back that’s as big as her and my heart melts even more. Being a mom is worth every second.